Parenting
Imam Sajjad (peace be upon him) said:
حَقُّ وَلَدِكَ أَنَّكَ مَسْؤُولٌ عَمّا وُلّيتَهُ [بِهِ] مِنْ حُسْنِ الْأَدَبِ وَالدِّلالَةِ عَلى رَبِّه... وَ الْمَعُوَنَةِ عَلى طاعَتِهِ فيكَ وَ فى نَفْسِه
“The right of your child is that you are responsible for nurturing him with good manners, guiding him towards his Lord… and helping him in obeying God—both in what relates to your duties and his own.” (Tohf al-Aqool, p. 263)
01
Insightful Points
Refers to the main foundations of a person's view of their relationship with their child.
02
Ethical Points
This section includes a set of moral standards that a parent must have in order to be a role model for their child.
03
Behavioural Points
Behavioral tips include practical tips that help parents deal effectively with their child in the face of external challenges.
1 -The child is a dear guest
It would be great if we didn't consider ourselves the owners of our children and treated them as dear guests who will not be with us for long. Not because of their goodness, we we would sacrifice ourselves and entrust them with all affairs, letting them do whatever they want, nor because of their bad qualities and shortcomings, we would belittle them so much that they lost hope of being good and living well. Instead, we would love them for who they are and, with the most beautiful methods of upbringing, would welcome them. When you don't respect your children's rights and break their personality, don't expect their companionship and respect, just as when you break your glasses, you can no longer see properly with them.
2- Good upbringing
We parents always expect our children to observe "manners" everywhere, even though we ourselves may not know the true meaning of etiquette!
Etiquette is seeing God's manifestation in all existence and finding a way for His manifestation in existence. If God is beautiful, and if His purpose in creation is to manifest these beauties, etiquette is that we, in both our existence and our behavior and thoughts, only display His beauties.
Possessions, children, circumstances, and opportunities that God has given us are all His property, and "good manners" is to use all of these opportunities to manifest His beauties.
My beloved child is seven days old. I hold him in my arms and gaze into the distant horizons. His seven-year-old self captivates my attention. I wish that my child, in the first seven years of life, finds security in the embrace of his mother, home, and the world so that his path to security is paved in the next seven years.
I wish for him to savor the pleasure of security with all his being so that he doesn't succumb to insecurity and strives to alleviate it.
I will provide him with security, born of love, mercy, warmth, enthusiasm for real life, love for existence, and…
3.Parenting Mistakes
My child has become defiant. He/ She does exactly what he/ she knows I'm sensitive to and says the very things he/ she shouldn't. He/ She does it consciously. I label him/ her as "defiant" and punish and belittle him/ her for this behavior. But I'm unaware that he’s/ she’s learned this behavior from me and his/ her father; we never miss an opportunity to be defiant with each other! It's enough to know that one of us is sensitive about something, so we can use his/ her weakness to get what we want.
In the park, he/ she provokes and annoys other kids. I scold him/ her for this wrong behavior and he’s/ she’s deprived of going to the park. But when I watch his/ her play with his/ her father, I see they're rough and full of provocation, and he’s/ she’s learned that play is all about that. I call him/ her "lazy", but it's me who has burdened him/ her with fulfilling his/ her unreasonable demands, both on time and untimely.
Yes, most of the wrong behaviors in children have their roots in our parenting mistakes, and until those roots are corrected, these behaviors will persist. So, belittling them only damages their personality and doesn't heal the pain.I call him/ her "lazy", but it's me who has burdened him/ her with fulfilling his/ her unreasonable demands, both on time and untimely.
If you see inappropriate behavior in your children, don't insult or belittle them; find the root. Understand that the problem is in your hands, and you couldn't establish the right communication with them, given their age and circumstances.
4-Focus on the child's faults
Why is my child growing slowly? Why has he become so obstinate? Why does he get sick so often? Why is he so irritable and ill-tempered? He's frustrating, mischievous, and... These questions and concerns, even if left unspoken, show that we haven't accepted our child as they are. And this will affect the parent-child relationship. Remember! Every child comes into this world with his/ her own temperament, face, and spirit, so let's accept him/ her as he/ she is and love him/ her.
Focusing on our children's flaws, be it their weight, thinness, shyness, or embarrassment, doesn't allow us to give them the love and affection they deserve. Unfortunately, we have a habit of reserving a portion of our love for a day when they meet our ideal conditions, such as eating well, being organized, not being aggressive, and so on, oblivious to the fact that from the very beginning, we should love our child with all their traits. We should support them throughout their journey of becoming a complete human being, providing a healthy and secure environment alongside them, rather than standing against them in an unsafe space that distances them from us. In that case, proper upbringing and growth won't occur.
5- Respecting the right in dealing with the child
"Take your feet off the prayer rug, my daughter; it upsets God." "Mom, God isn't upset; you are." My daughter's words made me ponder. Am I truly upset or is it God? I reflected on how I've raised her based on my satisfaction or dissatisfaction. When she was one years old, I didn't let her play with her food; I was bothered by the mess. At parties, I preferred her sitting quietly for others to praise. As she grew, I enforced order when she should've been messy. Perhaps I should have considered God's satisfaction in every action, not just my desires with my child. Most of us don't consider the framework of rights in dealing with our children; we act based on whims. Unaware of the fact that we lack a principled standard for our likes and dislikes, because we don't recognize rights and don't consider the satisfaction of the Almighty God.
